Tug of war
Do you feel the need to ‘win’ at parenting? When my children wouldn’t co-operate I often felt helpless, like I was losing at parenting and it suddenly felt very important that I ‘win’, this feeling meant I became determined to make them do what I said – and used any and all strategies to achieve this.
The problem with ‘winning’ at parenting is that there has to be a ‘loser’ – your child – and this doesn’t teach them the skills of co-operation just how to be either a winner or loser – in friendships, at school, in their relationship with you.
When I realised that I didn’t want to engage in an emotional (and sometimes physical) tug of war with my children, that winning wasn’t what I needed to teach them and that teaching them how to co-operate with others meant I needed to learn how to co-operate with them it came as a bit of a shock – and it created a huge shift in my home. Not only did it change my relationship with them it also changed their relationship with each other and within a short period of time there was a lot more teamwork and support of each other in our family.
So what are the skills that teach co-operation?
- Listening – really listening, to understand their perspective, and not to respond with an instant solution
- Empathy – understanding how your child feels and knowing with this feeling is so you put it into words for them if they are struggling
- Acceptance – their feeling is their truth; it might be different to how you or their siblings feel and that’s ok
- Talking – not you – them! Encourage them to talk about what is happening for them, what they would like to happen next. You can ask open questions to help them but don’t offer solutions
- Calm – remain calm yourself and help them to calm down before you try to find a solution
- Logic – once they are calm either ask them what they think could fix the problem or offer choices if they are very young
- Plan – talk about a plan for next time they have a disagreement or don’t want to do what you ask. This is where you can set boundaries around behaviour – focus on what you are ok with them doing not what you aren’t ok with
- Role-model – children learn the most from what they see and experience not what they hear. Show them what it means to co-operate in your relationship with them and with others
If you’d like to find out more about co-operation and how to support your child, join one of my Mindful Parenting Workshops or book a private session